Some words from a Silver

and I like to do what I'm told.

When you see this, take a minute and share five good things of your day with the world, uncut.

1. Lyra is no longer feverish or sick, and has returned to her usual cheerful self.
2. It's been raining for a couple of days, which makes the air smell good and makes me feel happy.
3. Adam is in the bedroom lying down with Lyra who is fussy and refusing to sleep alone, which means I am currently free to sit at my computer unfettered. Sweet, sweet freedom.
4. I'm about to make a cup of tea, which will fill me with contentment.
5. I had coffee and donuts with a friend this morning, which was just awesome.

You may now share your 5 good things with me, if you are so inclined.

Adam, Lyra & I will be visiting Ontario for a bit in a couple of weeks. We discovered a seat sale that basically saved us 1000$ over going in August as previously planned, so we jumped on it. We fly into Toronto on the 9th in the evening, and will stay in North York for a couple of days at least. If anyone wants to see us in that time, please get in touch. We will be making plans with Adam's Toronto family (I'm leaving that up to him to do) but will try to work around that schedule to see our friends before we head up to New Liskeard.

If, on the other hand, you are in New Liskeard, I imagine we will see you around. It's not that big a place. If there is something specific you want to do with us there, let us know and we'll figure it out.

Tonight I went biking in Port Moody with Maryn and Steve. It wasn't a very long ride, and it wasn't a super difficult trail. I'm out of practice and have lost my biking legs to some degree, however, and I'm still trying to get the hang of my Nomad, so shorter and easier was what I was looking for. Steve, who is awesome to ride with, stayed back with me and led the way, letting me know what was ahead on the trail and waiting up for me when I got freaked out by shadows and such. The trail itself was flowy, and covered in dirt instead of eroded down to the rocks like most of the North Shore is.

Basically, it was awesome.

The weather was perfect for an evening ride - sunny and a bit cool. We started at seven so it was late enough in the day that the sun wasn't intensely bright or excessively hot. We cheated on the ride up - Maryn convinced her husband to drive us to the meeting point with our bikes. I went to the box, and then I felt shame. There was a pleasant, leisurely ride to the trailhead through the forest, which was quite lovely. The trail itself was in a remarkably pretty area. At one point I stopped with Steve and we looked at the pattern of the sun, painting gold through the trees and on the ground like it does in the evenings on the mountainside. It was beautiful, and made me wish I had brought my camera. Steven pointed out that we could see the water through the trees as well - and where in the area could you get that? I mentioned maybe riding up Burnaby, but really, Burnaby Mountain is nowhere near as lovely as Eagle. Burnaby still feels like city to me - Eagle doesn't, even though the city of Port Moody is not far away.

So while I didn't quite reach that zone where riding is the only thing that exists (I kept getting distracted by my brain talking too much... must smack it around a bit and get it to shut up when I ride) I did have a good, fun ride, and I started to feel a bit like I was getting used to my new bike. Finally. I forget, when I'm not riding, why I like riding so much. I forget, when I'm riding annoying trails I don't like, why riding is so much fun when I'm on trails I like. I'm incredibly happy that Adam took care of Lyra tonight and let me go out to Port Moody for a ride. I'm starting to remember how to enjoy it. I want to go back and ride some more.

It's been raining the past two days. This isn't particularly strange, since it's spring and all. We had a nice day on the weekend, however, so I made sure to get out in the sunlight. I took a good long walk with a friend in Port Moody during the day, and called it training for the Sun Run. Since I'll be walking the Sun Run, that's really not an unrealistic statement.

Lyra has been teething like mad the past couple of weeks, but I think she's starting to come out of it. For much of last week, she was getting cranky and irritated by around dinnertime - requiring extensive cuddling time, which for Lyra means "YOU MUST NEVER PUT ME DOWN." She's a pretty cuddly girl at the best of times. When she's unhappy, I basically have to be willing to forfeit my individuality and accept that she is attached quite firmly to me. It keeps her happy, however, and considering the pain she must be in during those nasty teething times, I'm entirely willing to do so. She now has two bottom teeth and two top teeth, and she can get around the apartment rather effectively. She's probably a day or two away from proper crawling. In fact, as I type this, she's on the hardwood floor in the crawling position, pushing herself backwards and sliding along the floor. I think she's actually trying to sit up and having some trouble with it. I'll have to rescue her.

One rescued and happy baby... who is now looking at the cat food & water dishes again. I may have to come up with another place to put those...

This morning I had plans to get coffee with Maryn and then maybe go to baby songtime at the Library, but as it turned out, Maryn ran into heavy traffic on the way to the North Shore, and Lyra didn't take her morning nap on time so she was falling asleep by the time baby songtime was supposed to start - but refusing to actually sleep. Fortunately, Maryn did eventually arrive and we got coffee. I put Lyra in the stroller (she hadn't napped yet) and she ended up falling asleep there, so I took her for a walk around to the market for groceries after Maryn had headed back to PoMo for work.

Maryn and I are working on a project. We are hoping that Anne will also be interested in working on it, and anyone else who's interested once we have it fleshed out a bit more. Right now it's TOP SEKRIT!

I'm anxious for better weather to become more consistent. I look forward to getting back on my bike and heading to the trails.

So oki_v2 arrived here around noon. I had somewhat forgotten that he was coming up for a visit, and when my friend Brooke called me yesterday afternoon to find out if I could go for a ride, I was all excited and got a babysitter for Lyra (since Adam had to work) and said yes.

Poor, poor Oki.

Anyhow, Oki arrived at noon. I offhandedly asked him if he wanted to go for a bike ride with me. I'm pretty sure his mind went 'recently had a baby, should be fine' and he said "Sure!"

Oh yeah, I'm evil.

J came by to watch Lyra, then Brooke arrived and we tried to fit three bikes into her little CR-V. Somehow we managed, and Oki followed us in his own car down to the Inter River park. I had assured him that we were going on a beginner shore trail - the Richard Juryn Memorial trail, to be precise.

It starts with a nice mellow ride up. Oki doesn't bike, so it wasn't such a mellow ride up for him. Poor guy had cramping legs on the first uphill bit. Later there's a hike-a-bike, then you get to ride down through some mildly technical rooty and bumpy bits, and then a gravel path out. I'd say he performed admirably considering he's never mountain biked before, and I put him on a hardtail to start. From what I saw he never totally bailed, although he did run into a tree or two, and fell forward onto the bike frame once or twice.

Easy on the shore is still fairly challenging for those who don't ride.

As for me, it was my second ride on that trail this week. My uphill stamina was much improved, and I was fairly confident on the downhill... and I didn't even have armour on! I am kind of achey now though, used muscles that are out of shape.

Now Oki's on his way back home. He left around 9pm. Crazy lad... it's going to be a long drive back, and if I'm achey he'll be downright sore.

Yep, I'm evil.

Adam worked today, so I slept in and spent some quality bed time with the cats. They like sleeping in with us on weekends, when we do it (which isn't very often really.) In the afternoon I went to Anne's place to help her weed and just hang out, so Adam came there after work and we had dinner and wine followed by a short walk to the park with Anne & Lorne and their son Owen. It was fun. Also, I kind of miss gardening.

Shawn called a couple of places for apartments today, but nothing really stood out as a possibility it sounded like. I do rather wish a magical cheap north vancouver suite that allows cats will show up. Nothing yet though.

I wish I owned Moulin Rouge so I could watch it right now.

I have posted some new photos in my photo Journal - some starring the infamous oki_v2. I shall post some samples ( behind this cut )

Tara leaves for Ontario tomorrow sometime, moving back to Ottawa to be closer to family. I shall miss her. There is plenty more going on in my head right now, but I just don't feel up to it.

I'm really struggling with feeling sorry for myself right now. That is to say, I'm feeling sorry for myself and pretending that I'm not. Except I'm pretty bad at that sort of pretending.

Friends keep moving away. I don't have a lot of friends. Other friends keep saying they're going to move here, then not doing so, to the point that I no longer think about the concept because it's likely not going to happen, and even if it does it's a far away thing. Except Ian & Kim who say they're moving here this spring or summer. I think they'll follow through.

Well anyhow. They have their reasons to move, and none of it has anything to do with me, but that doesn't make me feel less sad. I've been feeling rather lonely lately, and this exodus is just adding to that. And so I sit here feeling sorry for myself. Soon it'll just be me and Adam and Chris and Jinni on Friday nights. And Jinni refuses to play Munchkin.

Anyhow. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I suck at making friends. I suck at maintaining friendships. I'm terrible at parties and meeting people. I'm perpetually convinced that no one really wants to spend time with me because I'm boring or I'm bad at conversation or something. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday was fun, we left the house somewhat early and met Rory, then Vachel, and wandered around town for a bit trying to get our train ticket (office was closed) and having our Salad King lunch. It was awesome good, just like we remembered.

The evening was filled with old friends and conversation and beer (and a very poor performance by myself, but I don't think anyone was listening anyway. Having not played or practiced in about six months, I couldn't remember a thing.)

Anyhow, there were a few people who didn't make it out that were missed, and a couple of surprise dropins that were nice to see. We were out exceptionally late, and arrived back at Ian's place where we were crashing at about 3am. We stayed up until about 3:30, then tried to sleep until about 8am. Neither of us slept particularly well, though, and when we got up we were zombies. After making our way back to Adam's grandmother's house, Adam took a quick nap while I helped prepare the giant hanukkah meal for fifteen that was to occur at lunchtime. People arrived, lunch was had and there was much socializing until perhaps 3:45 or so, when everyone left. Adam's watching tv and dozing now, and I'm sitting on the computer. Tomorrow morning we have to be up at 6 to make our way down to the train station for 8. Early morning sucks.

I should be thinking about napping myself, but I'm almost afraid to - at this point, if I nap I may not sleep the night through. I could sleep on the train tomorrow, but I don't really want to - I like looking out the window for that sort of thing.

We were going to go out to a movie tonight, but now we're both just too tired. We're not going anywhere further than out to the coffee shop, and that only if anyone calls and wants to try and see us tonight, so not very likely.

So, we shall be in Toronto from the 14th (arriving at midnight or so) until about the 18th or 19th. Of that time, the 15th and 17th are booked. This leaves the 16th as the likely best possible day to have a gathering of some sort with friends in the Toronto region. That's two weeks from tomorrow.

Is there anyone out there willing to help us arrange such a gathering, and would anyone like to be invited?

I've generally been a relatively solitary person. This isn't because I wanted it that way; I'm really quite jealous sometimes of Adam's ability to integrate himself into a group, to make friends so easily and just generally be outgoing in social situations. I am really not at all similar to him in that sense. Groups make me uneasy at best, and downright depressed at worst. This is the first thing that thwarts me in my attempts to make friends.

The second thing is the fact that I just don't trust people. I don't comfortably open up to very many people - and none of those people live on the West Coast, except for Adam, and in this case he doesn't really count. What I'm talking about is friends of the sort that you sit around with and talk about the things that are really bothering you that you maybe don't want to talk to your significant other about, maybe because he's what you want to talk about, or maybe because he doesn't really understand, or maybe because you want a different perspective about something from someone who doesn't live with you. For whatever reason, in this case he doesn't count.

What I've been trying to work out for the past couple of weeks is why I'm like this - the reason that I can't make new close friends. I'm not close to anyone here, there isn't that sort of connection that I had with some people back in Toronto (very few, granted, but it was there.) I just don't want to unload my problems on anyone - I feel as though they really don't want to hear it or deal with it. Years ago I had a friend tell me as much, and it hurt a lot - since then I'm probably over cautious about opening up to anyone. I was never that comfortable with it in the first place, and having someone tell me they didn't want to hear about my problems again was a bit of a blow. Looking back, that seems about the time that I stopped really trusting people. And that's bad.

It's a pretty sad thing that I don't trust people enough to let them be my friend. I'm happy to be their friend, to listen when they need someone to talk to, just to be there for them, but if I turn the tables in any way I fall back and hide rather than let them help me. It could be pride, not wanting to show weakness or something. It could be that I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. Whatever it could be, whatever it is, I really need to change it, but now I don't know how. I can't just ask someone to be my friend - I tried that in an indirect sort of way, and it felt false to me.

The thing is, I could really use someone to talk to about how I feel about the future, the potential of having kids, fights with Adam, serious things that you don't really cover in small talk with casual friends and acquaintances. How do you start conversations like that? How do you do it without feeling like you're just whining, and that they don't want to hear about your petty annoyances or your actual problems?

It's like I need an invitation. I need to know outright that it's safe to talk to you, that you won't turn me away when things get a little dark or dirty. Because you know, when you've got a dark and dirty past, that's how things get sometimes. And when you have a fight with someone, or when you feel insecure about your life, or you're upset about something, uncertain, unwilling, whatever it is - these things aren't pretty happy light and smiles.

It's not like I'm always dark and depressed - far from it. But there are times that I need someone to talk to, and it can't always be Adam.

Now to figure out how to move towards this concept of letting friends become more than casual...

Art meme request people: Don't worry, I haven't forgotten you. I'm just thinking about things. I wouldn't want to rush anything.

This weekend was a good one - full of busy goings-on. Friday night I made a lasagna for Adam, Chris, Tara and Jinni. It was yummy. Saturday we went to my mom's house for thanksgiving dinner, which was turkeylicious. Sunday Adam and Chris went mountain biking on CBC with Lorne - I didn't really want to go out since I knew it was going to be wet and slippery, so at the last minute I said I wasn't going and babysat Lorne's son Owen for him so he could go out. I think they had a good time, and I got to hang out with a three year old who had many interesting things to tell me. We had some food at Lorne's then headed home for the evening, where we rented Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Great film, I enjoyed it, and Wallace is a man after my own cheesy heart.

Today we woke up around ten, gathered a few people together (me, Adam, Chris, Jinni and Tara) and headed to DeDutch for brunch. We then left Huffy at my mom's place and piled into Chris' car so we could go for a drive out to Mission in search of fall photo opportunities. Unfortunately for me, the colours haven't yet really changed except for on the occasional tree, so there wasn't much in the way of fall colours to photograph. We stopped at Westminster Abbey (not as impressive as the other, well-known Westminster Abbey, but pretty grounds at least) and went for a walk, then headed back towards Pitt Meadows to find a pumpkin patch to take pictures of. Pumpkin patches are just cool.

We then went back to Mom's place in Pitt Meadows to pick up Huffy, and drove back home to North Vancouver with Tara to enjoy a fine dinner of Pizza. Sera is happy to have us home, she's currently trying to make herself comfortable on my lap. She's so awkward.

Tomorrow I'm still at the old job - until the end of the week. That's all right.

Google bought YouTube. Interesting.

I'll post some photos in a bit.

This has been a very busy weekend. It did start slow, with the whole 'sit at home on the computer doing nothing' for a good part of yesterday morning and into the afternoon, but then things started to actually happen. I like things that happen.

Fun with Nanochrist

I met Adam downtown and we had lunch with nanochrist (the whole band.) We had lunch at the Templeton Diner where the food was fantastic as always (and I resisted the temptation of both a Five Dollar Shake and Jones Soda, go me!.) It was nice to actually meet the other guys in Nanochrist. I've seen them play a few times before, but never actually talked to any of them besides Mike.

We then brought the guys back to our place where they got to discover the fantastic view from our balcony and the leakiness that is above our toilet (hey, at least the roof leaks into the toilet bowl, it's kind of convenient that way.) They went back out to the bar to wait for a sound check, and Adam took a nap while I lurked online. We went out to see the band play around 10:30, since they were supposed to be on at either 11:30 or 12:15. We weren't clear on exactly when. We arrived at the bar to discover that the whole thing was disorganized. We listened to a few of the other bands play, watched the unfolding lack of amplifier Crisis, and chatted with Astrid (who has an lj, I believe,) and peekaboo. The crises were sorted out, the band played after 1:00 am, I took some pictures, and it was good.

Having the uber-mellow acoustic rock/folk/singer-songwriter/mellow electronic kind of musical tastes I have, Nanochrist isn't generally my kind of music. I have always enjoyed them seeing them live (except maybe the time I had the really terrible tension headache from hell, but that's a different story.) They were by far the most interesting band that we saw that night. I really enjoy the music, it's got a lot going on and it has tonnes of energy, which is great - I just have trouble really listening to something I can't understand the words to. I have to face the facts - I want the option to sing along, and my voice is pretty and nice, not angry and screaming.

Anyhow they were good and I enjoyed the show.

We got home at 3:30 am after a quick Tim Horton's stop to feed the insatiable Steve, and then everyone crashed out.

I believe Mike woke up with a Dayle lying on his chest and staring him in the face.

You came in with the breeze on Sunday Morning

Sunday morning after maybe five hours of sleep, we got up and went for breakfast, where the once again insatiable Steve ate two full breakfast plates. We then piled into cars and drove up Cypress mountain to the various lookout points, because you can't come to visit Vancouver and not see a mountain up close and personal. Plus, looking out over Vancouver is really too beautiful not to share. We got all the way up to the top where we discovered that the ski hill was actually open, although not very busy. The parking lot was large and quite empty...

And much spinning in donut-like Grand Prix inspired circles ensued.

We then came back down the mountain and the band that slept on my floor took off for the airport.

Tara arrived at our house, and the three of us took off to Burnaby Mountain's lower trails with our bikes. It was the first time Adam's been on his bike in about 8 months, it's the first time Tara's ever been out on real trails, and it's the first time I've been out since last September.

Since we were literally around the corner from my brother's house in Burnaby, and it is his birthday today, we gave him a call and stopped in there to say hi and happy birthday. We were invited in for dinner and cake, which was very good.

And then we watched Advent Children. Oh man. It was beautiful. I want to watch it again. Right now.

I spent much of this evening sitting on the couch with Adam watching Serving Sara. Romantic comedy whatever. I also started crocheting a new hat, which is now featured in today's picture a day. It's unfortunate, however, that we broke the light in the living room - I have discovered that crocheting in dim light leads to sore eyes.

Work today was quite dull, most people had the day off or called in sick or just left a bit early. I somehow managed to leave fifteen minutes late, which has only happened once before ever. I mostly just wanted to make sure the holiday voicemail was on and working, and then I had to keep re-recording the message because I kept forgetting the days the office would be closed... silliness, really. However, I couldn't leave without it being just right.

I'm so happy to have tomorrow off, I think I'll make a stew or soup or something and perhaps cookies and bread. Much of which Adam isn't allowed to eat. Good thing spadoink and uniqueunorque are coming by tomorrow evening, they can partake of whatever baked goods I manage to create. Anyone else want to drop by? We're having Egg Nog.... :)

I should go. I told cyn I'd be there. I have 15 minutes before it starts, although I know that cyn likely won't go onstage until 9:30 or later. I feel groggy & sore & yucky, and it's raining & I don't own an umbrella and my throat hurts. I can't call her now though, she's already left a long time ago. Bleurgh. The right side of my head hurts.

I got a new hard drive. Jay is installing it for me. It's 10.2 gig! Nice change from the 3.2 that I've been using forever. I'm actually sitting on Jay's computer right now while he works on mine...

Cyn is featuring at a poetry reading tonight. I was going to go, but now I feel yucky, and I'm tired and don't want to go by myself. Monica & Cyn are both going to be there.

I need to re-install everything on my hard drive now. Some stuff I can move over to the new drive, but most of it is going to have to be reinstalled. This could take a while......

Hoorah for early afternoon. It's nice outside, I think. I haven't been out yet, I'm still in my housecoat. The cats went out though. It appears summer has finally started to kick in. I'd be happy but I don't really care that much. Summer was cool when it involved getting months off from school. Now it's just another time of year when there's lots of smog warnings and it's too damn hot to want to do anything.

I sound old and bitter. Ick.

We should maybe start finding boxes to pack our stuff up into. It hasn't sunk in yet that we're really moving out of this postage stamp. I've been living here since November of 1998, and Jay moved in September of 1999, I think it's rather time to move on.

Just checked out an interesting website by someone from the #qt-kat channel on IRC warped.net - Artyste - he's got some really nice artwork on there.

Jay's still sleeping. I'll let him sleep til he wakes up, unless it goes too late. We have to go to the computer store today and get a USB port and maybe a new Hard Drive. Monitor to follow when we next have some money. Sera's being very chatty this morning. Silly kitty. :)

I phone the finder people - they're called Beach Seekers and they only look for a apartments in the beach. Since that's where I'm looking, I guess it makes sense to use them. The kettle is on, water hasn't boiled yet. Must... have... tea...

Cyn & I are probably going out to do karaoke tonight! Yay! Hopefully I'll get her to go up on stage with me, or maybe even by herself ;) I don't know if Jay is coming along, he may not feel like it. Of course, if all my old friends are there, he'd probably feel pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing. Fneu, silly boy. He's too insecure sometimes.

My mouse hand aches - the wrist is sore, and the finger tendon things in the back of my hand feel like there's something hot sticking into them. Anyhow. unpleasantness.

I finally got around to phoning my old Therp. I owe her money from a long time ago, she phoned me a month or two ago about it, and I kept forgetting to phone her back. Anyhow, I finally called her on Wednesday & left a message, and she called back when I was out last night, so I called her back later when I got in and left another message... needless to say, we're playing phone tag. I feel so bad about owing her money, I can be an absent-minded irresponsible twerp sometimes with money.

Cyn and Cheryl and I got together with some Marigolders last night, including Steve and Shannon who run My Side of the Bed out of Calgary. Emiline and StoryGirl drove out from Guelph, and Gary came from Oshawa, so we could all have dinner at Tortilla Flats, Cyn's restaurant of choice. It was fun. Gary is Audra's dad, she's the girl who runs Marigoldzine.com, and we phoned her and passed the phone around the table. I think I managed to annoy him though - I'm really horrible at phones in general, with people I know, and if you give me a phone and expect me to talk to someone I don't really know than I'm hopeless... so I was using up his cellphone bill having absolutely nothing to say. He commented on it, and I felt really bad. I don't deal well with parental units of any sort, it seems. And of course I managed to get obsessive about it, then put it out of my head, then when I got home I was obsessive about it all over again. And I'm sure the conversation wasn't particularly memorable for Audra, either... I just want to make a good impression. Oh well, I can't really worry about it now I guess.

After dinner, Steve & Shannon had to run away, and Gary left shortly thereafter. Cheryl went home, and Cyn, Storygirl, Emiline and I walked around Queen st. West. The goth stores were closed by the time we got to them, but the bulk candy place was open and we managed to waste about 20 minutes in there, I'm sure. There's something about retro candy shops that make you just feel happy. I looked for a Darth Vader pez dispenser to put up in my cubicle, to go with the two darth vader posters, but they didn't have any. I'll have to keep looking.

I'm hungry. Forgot my bank card at home though, so I've just got my leftovers for lunch again... no bagel for me today.

I think I'll do a tarot reading tonight, maybe before cyn gets there and before we go on the air. I still haven't come up with much to talk about, but hey... I guess I'll just make it up as I go.