Some words from a Silver

Every day Lyra repeats a new word back at me, or just outright says a word she didn't say the day before. She learns instantaneously, and it's one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. She's been showing plenty of 'headstrong toddler' signs - she thinks it's incredibly funny to do something we've told her repeatedly not to do - like throw random toys into the garbage can, pull the dish towels off their hanging rack, or play around with the chains that hold up some artwork hanging on the side of a shelf. She thinks it's even funnier if we tell her no - she grins madly and bursts into giggles when we do.

Here are a few snippets and thoughts:

The cat food lives in a bucket with a lid. Lyra likes to pick it up and carry it around in front of her, even though it's half her height. When she gets tired of carrying it, she puts it on the floor and pushes it. The cats follow her around with longing - hoping she is about to feed them.

On Fridays when it's raining and I want to take Lyra somewhere out of the house, we head down to the North Van library. There's a great children's area, and even a baby area that's a bit cordoned off by bookshelves. Once there, I sit down on the floor or on a bench near the window and set Lyra loose. She immediately heads for the nearest bookshelf full of board books, carefully chooses one, and walks over to hand it to me. I ask her if she wants to read it (usually when she wants to read a book she'll nod yes and climb into my lap) but every time she just looks at the cover for a moment and takes off back to the bookshelf, where she starts over with a new book. This can go on for a very long time, until I have a large stack of books that she isn't really interested in reading. Sometimes I can hand her a book and ask her to put it back, and she does. Usually, though, she just ignores it and gets another book. She'll also play with some of the toys, push around the book shopping baskets on wheels for a while, and stare at other children. It's pretty entertaining.

Her new word today was hat. I don't know when she learned it, but we were sitting on her bed and she pointed up at the two hats hanging on the wall and distinctly said hat. She then spent the rest of the day pointing at hats, carrying hats around, and saying hat.

On Wednesday we went to the Remembrance Day parade and service in the park. There were hundreds of people there, and many of them had brought their dogs. The word of the day for Wednesday was dog. I missed most of the ceremony because as soon as we arrived, Lyra demanded to be set down to walk about. She promptly wandered the crowds going from dog to dog, pointing at them and saying dog. I think this went on for an hour or so. She really likes dogs.

Her favourite playground structure seems to be the slide. On at least two days when I've dropped her off at daycare, she has immediately run for the slide, climbing up, sliding down, over and over, grinning the whole time. She loves moving fast and bouncing around, and gets bored when we stop for too long. This is not a baby who is content to sit around and play with toys on the floor. Do those exist?

Lyra holds a special place in her heart for music. She bops her head to electronic, she dances to bluegrass, rock and country, she sways back and forth to slow, ambient music. If one of us is holding her and dancing, she jumps up and down in our arms to the song, and keeps going even if we stop. She 'sings' along to songs without words (bah bah bah) and if I sing a note at her (for example, just singing aaahhhhhhh) she'll do the same back at me holding a note (not the same one, but she's trying.) It's pretty awesome.

She's starting to say so many single words these days that I can't keep up really with remembering what they all are. Moon, dog, hat, mama, dada, eye, star, more, wow... there are so many connections being made in her brain that I can't possibly keep up. I tire out just running around after her, now that she runs everywhere she goes. She's going through a growth spurt right now too - the daycare folks commented on it, and I've noticed that her nursing has gone back to epic levels recently. On top of that there's all the energy she's expending by running everywhere she goes... it's just amazing.

I wanted to post about our trip to Tofino on the last weekend of October... I will save that for another time. For now, here is a picture of Lyra and the Vancouver 2010 Olympic torch:

You might think I'm an activist, but I'm not, exactly. I work for an environmental charitable organization. David Suzuki is not my boss, contrary to what some folks might think, but he's certainly involved in a lot of the work I do. I buy green cleaning supplies (or make them, sometimes) and I switch off lights and computers and obsess about my energy and fuel consumption. I'm a self-proclaimed tree-huggin' hippie.

Except that I recently bought a little crossover pseudo-SUV thing. I don't always take a reusable mug with my coffee. I have plastic lunch containers and I buy non-organic produce. I have a weakness for mac&cheese in a box and pizza pops on occasion. I sometimes just don't care that my clothes might have been made of questionable fabrics in poor factory conditions somewhere in Asia because dammit, that shirt looks so cute on me and I like it. Also, sometimes I enjoy a juicy, rare steak made of dead cow meat.

According to some of the real activists, the real treehuggin' hippies out there, I am a poser who isn't doing nearly enough because I don't chain myself to oil tankers or tell politicians in person how I want them to represent me. I will never be that kind of activist, and I am fine with that.

Ten years ago, a friend told me that I wanted to save the world. I didn't really believe him. I was struggling to make ends meet, like everyone else - trying to get through the month with enough cash left over for an occasional meal made up of more than noodles and sauce. I didn't have time to think about saving the world, although I cared quite deeply about all sorts of issues. I was too socially awkward and terrified of strangers and large groups to consider going to rallies or protests. I stayed home and talked to my friends on the internet, where things were quiet and safe and manageable.

I'm not the same person any more. Ten years is a long time, and life has turned upside-down at least three or four times since then. I've changed (although I still like sitting quietly on the internet). The world has changed. In the words of author and astronomer Carl Sagan, For the first time, we have the power to decide the fate of our planet and ourselves. This is a time of great danger, but our species is young, and curious, and brave. It shows much promise.

What do I do that makes me an activist? I can tell you what I don't do. I'm not mobilizing groups to march up to Parliament Hill. I don't ram boats into whaling ships or light things on fire to illustrate my point. I'm not doing anything that will get me arrested. I don't argue with climate change deniers who are ready for a grand battle - it's just not in my nature to argue, and I know a debate with me isn't going to change their opinions.

I finally made it to my first rally - on September 21st of this year, I went to Vancouver's Global Climate Wake-up Call. I forgot my cellphone and couldn't call the Prime Minister (the lines were jammed anyway) but I was there.

What I have done is transform myself. I am still transforming myself. I've changed so many of my own thought processes and habitually do small actions to personally fight global warming in so many little ways that I don't keep track any more. I make efforts to set a good example, to show friends and family that it's actually pretty easy. I have hope for the future, and I'm not afraid to express it in the face of those who tell me it's hopeless.

And I will try to raise my little girl to love the outdoors, and to understand our connection to the ecosystems around us. I want her to know that we are animals, the same as the fish and birds and bugs and furry creatures that still fill our world. I don't want her to turn off lights and computers and televisions because I tell her to - I want her to know why turning them off is important to the air, the water, the land, the animals - including, but not limited to, ourselves. I want to nurture her sense of wonder about everything on this planet and off it.

I am the product of many years of incremental changes. I know that it's overwhelming to feel like you're the only voice speaking quietly about saving the world amidst a sea of 30-second clips for the Magic Bullet or the Slap Chop. I lose myself in it regularly, and I get overwhelmed and want to throw in the towel, because I really do want to save the world. The thing I often forget is I'm not the only one, and all the people like me who are quietly changing the way they think and act are the ones who will turn the tide. The waves are rolling in, the world is forever changing. So yes, I am an activist. Just not the kind you might think.

Photo of me at the Global Climate Wake-up Call (caring about things!) by Eli

This post is part of Blog Action Day 2009.

If we're counting months (and at this point we still are I guess) Lyra is fifteen months old as of yesterday. A year plus three months. She's practically in college!



This week she transitioned from walking occasionally as a novelty into walking as a means of getting from place to place. She's still quite wobbly, and it's very cute to watch her step oh so carefully in sock feet on the slippery hardwood floor. In the past two days she has also neglected to take a morning nap, simply because she didn't seem tired enough to actually sleep. This makes me incredibly happy.

I've never really liked naptime. For the first few months she mostly napped with me all the time, which I was fine with. I was very well rested. When she got older and started napping on her own, it was tough for me - she never stayed asleep for longer than a half hour to 45 minutes, so I never had time to really do anything but try and decompress - but since I was on edge the whole time listening for her wake-up, I never felt relaxed. I was better off napping with her, but I really didn't want to... I wanted to do things that I could only do when she was asleep.

Once she started daycare, her napping became a lot more consistent. I once asked them how they managed to get her to nap... I didn't really learn their secret, other than the fact that they aren't me. Something about not being mommy or daddy (and also having years of experience convincing babies to nap) seems to work quite well for them.

Yesterday she and I slept in till 9am, which was fantastic. Morning naptime came and went without a hint of her being tired, so I didn't bother trying to put her down. Afternoon nap was a bit earlier than usual, but she went down easily and then napped for an hour and a half. It was good.

Today she was up by 8am, which is still sleeping in for me, and is awesome. We went out for a walk, and spent some time playing at home, and generally had a great morning, followed by lunch. After lunch I put her down for her nap (and again, she went down easily) and she's now been out for an hour and a half again. I feel awesome about this. I have some quiet time to myself (Adam's out riding with Chris) and I can do things like write this stuff down, make myself lunch uninterrupted, and maybe play a video game. And I don't feel on edge waiting for her to wake up.

So I hope this is a trend, and that maybe the two short naps a day are going to become one longer one.

Some random Lyra observations and developments:

In other news, we got Katamari Forever, and Lyra loves to help her daddy play it:



Today we watched a bit of a baby video that has Twinkle Twinkle little star in it. She started to sing along - not with words, but she was saying bah bah bah bah along with the tune. It was so awesome. She has also learned how to not only pull the fridge magnets off the fridge, but also put them back on so they stick. Knocking them off the fridge is a lot more fun, however:



My older brother Mike and his fiancee Norina came to visit a couple of weeks ago and brought her a little rocking chair that used to belong to my little brother & sister in Ottawa. It didn't take Lyra long to figure out how to climb into the chair, turn around, sit properly in it, and then slide back out. This kept her entertained for hours.

In the mornings when I'm at home on my own with Lyra, we often walk together to Brazza (the coffee shop around the corner.) She holds my hand and we slowly make our way there, where I get coffee, and then we slowly make our way back. She loves climbing up the stairs by holding both my hands and walking up them very, very clumsily.

Her favourite foods are currently applesauce, grapes (cut up into bite-sized pieces), plums, cheese (old, mild, stinky, whatever, just bring on the cheese), goldfish crackers, and really just about any fruit you offer her. She's not really interested in much meat, although she likes pasta and breads from time to time. And she's got at least twelve teeth in her mouth with which to chow down.

And some random news about non-Lyra things

My birthday came and went last week with little fanfare. Adam kept asking me what I wanted to do, and I was too busy with work things and a sick baby (and not getting nearly enough sleep because of it) to really think about it. Ideally I wanted someone else to throw me some sort of party or something, which eventually kind of happened on Sunday. I got some cash, which I promptly went out and spent on some awesome new shirts and a necklace. And I got a giant ball of Edam cheese, which was fantastic.

Work has been absolutely crazy lately, with all sorts of changes afoot. I'm carrying on doing what I do, coasting along with the changes as they happen. It is an interesting time.

I have tried riding to and from work a couple of times, but it has been really hard. I'm still not equipped enough for it to be easy, and I am not a morning person, so it kind of has to be easy for me to get it done. The riding itself isn't easy - but that part I'm fine with. It's the complications of getting up early, getting Lyra ready and dropping her off, and then getting myself to work, without having more stuff than I can manage with me on the walk down to Daycare. Panniers are my mantra. If I had panniers, that'd fix everything. At least that's what I tell myself. I could've bought panniers instead of shirts with my birthday money, but I really needed the shirts, too. And I desperately want an Android phone, but that won't happen for a long time I think. I also have to get pants that fit me, since I have none that fit properly at the moment. I'm still between my pre- and post-pregnancy sizes for pants. It is frustrating.

None of these things can be acquired this month, however, because for Halloween weekend we're going to Tofino with Chris & Jinni, and that's where I'm putting extra cash right now. It will be nice - the first time I've gone without camping. I don't think we'll have enough for surfing lessons, sadly, but it will be lovely nonetheless.

And that's an extremely long update on my life at the moment. Things are pretty good. Lyra is changing every day. The world keeps spinning round and round.

Let me be honest with you - I am terrible at fitness. I have been for as long as I can remember. I hated gym class in public & high school. I have had gym memberships on more than one occasion and actually gone to the gym twice at most, each time. I decided to take up running and did it once (after buying pricey running shoes!) There is a distinct lack of fitness regimen in my life.

It's not that I'm in terrible shape; I'm not. Neither am I in good shape. I have weirdness in my left knee & hip that makes it hard to crouch or climb stairs at times. I can't run unless my life depends on it. I get winded if I climb a lot of stairs. And if you go by general standards of female shape and body, I have more weight on me than is ideal. I suppose that makes me just about average.

It's in my nature, however, to compare myself to everyone around me. I compare myself when I'm riding my bike to the people who ride past me effortlessly on the uphill, and feel like I'm falling short. I follow it up with reasons why I'm not - at least I'm ON my bike, and I'm doing a near 15k ride each way to get to and from work, up and down mountains and bridges, and hey, I haven't actually been bike commuting in two years and they're doing it way more often, and some of them are crazy roadies and I'll never keep up with them even if I want to. But all of these thoughts come after the fact, and while they help, the initial feeling of losing some sort of competition in my head (stupid competitive head) is not really a good one.

I've been realizing for the past year or two (not including pregnancy time) that I am quite simply thinner in my mind than I actually am. I think you're supposed to feel the opposite, according to what all the magazines say anyhow, but that's not for me. I assume I'm pretty slim, and then see a photo of myself and think "holy crap I'm SO much bigger than I think I am!" On top of that, I'm realizing that in my general age group among the other women at work (and I work with a lot of women) I'm on the larger scale. It is very unsettling to think you're one size and realize that you're not - even when you think you're thin.

Earlier in the spring I signed up to do core conditioning clinics with a group of women, specifically designed to condition you for mountain biking. I actually rather enjoyed it, and stuck with it I think because it was a class format that a friend was also taking, and I had paid to go to the class, which commits me to going on two levels. You might think that paying for a gym membership would provide the same commitment, but it really doesn't. At any rate, this wasn't about weight loss, it was about strengthening and conditioning. And it was good, but I haven't lost weight.

I considered a mommy boot camp type thing, and even signed up for one, but it was cancelled before it even began. After that I realized that a boot camp is probably not for me anyway - I don't like exercising, and turning it into some sort of military training thing just bothers me on so many levels.

Those conditioning clinics are still happening, but with the car purchase we're not in any place for me to rejoin them. It's possible in a few months we'll work out how to fit it in, but right now it's not an option. So I've decided in the meantime that my only real option for cardio fitness is the biking to and from work, which I restarted doing this week.

On Monday I rode to work, then went downtown on my bike at lunchtime, then back to work, and then did a partial ride home (combined with transit.) It felt good, and I was exhausted. Yesterday I took transit as usual. Today I rode again, this time managing to go both to and from work. It felt great, and wasn't as hard as on Monday. It's amazing how fast you acclimatize to that kind of exertion.

My ride isn't really a short one. I measured it out once on google maps, and it came to about 14.5 km one way. There is uphill and downhill in both directions, although it's slightly more downhill on the way there, and thus slightly more uphill on the way home. It takes me just under an hour to do the ride at the moment - probably about 45 - 50 minutes.

This means I'm doing an hour and a half of cardio on a bike every time I ride. I have no idea if this will help me lose weight. I'm not entirely certain that losing weight is what I want to do - people keep telling me I look like I've lost weight, but I haven't actually lost a pound in about 6 months now. My shape has definitely changed since before the pregnancy, and I'm down to my pre-pregnancy weight without really having to work at it (probably because of breastfeeding, but who knows).

So without cash to join a class, I'm hoping that my riding to and from work can be some sort of fitness regimen. If I lose weight, that would be awesome. If I tone up and look better, that would also rock. If I lose a size, that would be nice too. But really, what I want is to be able to play with Lyra and keep up with her at least a bit. She's an active little monkey, and I don't want to be a couch potato for her life. The biking will help, I just hope it's enough. I don't have the money (or, to be honest, want to spare any more time away from Lyra) to get a personal trainer or join hardcore classes. Plus, I don't wanna.

Except that part of my brain that's comparing me to everyone else and saying I fall short. I'll just continue telling that part to shut the hell up.

The summer is basically over now. While officially I know that summer doesn't end until the 21st of September, in my mind it's always over when Labour Day weekend is done - I still live in my head in a world where the school year reigns supreme. Luckily for me, this will work well since I have a child, who will be on a school year schedule in a few short years.

We ended the summer well with a trip to Vancouver island - biking with the Muddbunnies riding club, of which I'm a member. I only made it out to one ride with them all summer, but that's just how things worked out this year. At least I got to go on the biking trip with them all. It was spouse-friendly, so Adam and Lyra came along and we rode with Bunnies and some of their boys.

The first day was a road trip to the island with Steve and Susan. We caught an early afternoon ferry from Horseshoe Bay to Nanaimo after loading up the car (and going through hoops to get our bikes over to the island in addition to ourselves, but that's just a frustrating complication that got dealt with effectively.) It was gorgeous and hot and sunny, and the ferry ride was nice. Lyra spent a lot of time holding our hands and walking.

That's right, walking. She's started to let go and stumble drunkenly towards us if we're within a few feet of her. She's done a few good faceplants into the carpet. She's also insistent, now, that she be allowed to walk whenever she likes - and she's moved from holding us with both hands to holding on with one hand. She also likes to walk up and down stairs, although she isn't particularly good at it yet. She now has some lovely little brown and pink shoes, since the Robeez aren't going to work when the rains come.

Lyra's first steps were on the biking trip, which is pretty awesome. Her first words were also on the trip - she said nana (in reference to a banana, specifically) and she pointed at the bike in one of her storybooks and said "Bike!" I think it's pretty fitting that she said bike on a bike trip.

That was over a week ago, and now she basically says bike in reference to nearly everything, in addition to bikes. She points at fish and says bike. She points at a rock and says bike. Too funny.

Adam's mom Tyna is visiting now. Chances are good Lyra will take more independent steps while she's here. That should be nice.

Oh yeah, and I finally got around to posting my bike up on the Buy & Sell on the mountain biking forum page. If you know any Vancouver area folks looking for a good all mountain type bike, share this link with them. If I sell that bike, I can buy a bike rack and go out with my other newer bike. Hooray for biking!!

Adam's mother is visiting us. I picked her up today at the airport, and we went to grab a late lunch at Brazza, the coffee shop near my apartment. We were just thinking about packing up to leave (or possibly get Gelato) and I was walking around the shop with Lyra. She enjoys walking.

I was looking out the window when I noticed a car about to pull out running in to the parked car behind it. As I watched, the driver realized that she had hit the car behind her and pulled forward quickly. Unfortunately, she then hit the car in front of her. She switched back into reverse quickly, and ran into the car behind her again. Then things got weird.

The driver switched back into drive and basically put her foot to the floor. She accelerated fast enough that her car ran into the little convertible in front of her a second time, this time hard enough to push it forward and out of her way. The convertible smashed into the car parked in front of it, and then rolled back into its own parking space as the car that was causing all the commotion was no longer in its way.

It wasn't in the way because she had driven up on the the sidewalk, still gunning the engine, and smashed into the patio at the Yaas Bazaar. I can't really say how long she was there, wedged into the patio, but the entire time she was still pushing her foot to the floor on the gas pedal. A cloud of smoke and the smell of burning rubber was intense, and I started to worry that she would back up again and smash through the window of Brazza. I picked Lyra up and went towards the back of the shop, which was starting to fill up with smoke.

Someone got worried that the car was going to explode and told everyone to go out the back door, so we did, (but seriously, cars don't explode except in the movies, unless something happens to light the gas tank on fire.)

Once the car had stopped and the engine was off, I went back through to the front of the store to see the aftermath. And boy howdy was it something else. She managed to take out three cars besides her own, plus a bike rack. If Kate (coffee shop staffer) had been working, her bike would have been wrecked, since the rack was wedged between the car and the Yaas Bazaar patio.

Fortunately there was no one sitting on the patio itself. The people sitting outside Brazza narrowly avoided getting hit, and it was also fortunate that no one was walking on that section of sidewalk at that moment. As it turned out, no one was hurt, although the driver was definitely in shock.

If we had decided to leave a minute earlier, we could have been on the sidewalk when it happened. Crazy to think of.

Since I saw the whole thing from inside Brazza, I went up to the police officer and wrote up a witness report. I also pulled out the point & shoot digital camera that I had on me at the time and snapped a few pictures.

It certainly made for an exciting afternoon. I wish I had my real camera with me rather than the point and shoot, but what can you do? Carrying the baby bag around means I don't get the carry the big camera as much anymore. But at least I got something.

I was at home with Lyra today, since it's Friday and that's what I do on Fridays. Just after lunchtime I was cleaning up the kitchen and rambling away at her while she played with blocks around the corner. I ramble at her regularly. I explained my plans to her about how we were going to go out and do some laundry, and maybe go pick up some fruit for her at the grocery store, like a banana or something. From around the corner I heard her squeal with delight, drop the blocks she was playing with, and sprint crawl towards me in the kitchen, excited about the prospect of a banana, apparently.

I have realized that I can't offer bananas right now unless I actually HAVE one to give her. I wouldn't say she was disappointed, but she certainly looked for it, and I felt a bit guilty to lead her on and not produce the fruit in question.

She is definitely beginning to understand language. Who knows what other words she recognizes but isn't excited about, and thus doesn't express any reaction to them... Time to make sure the boys watch their tongues around her, I guess. Even if it would be amusing to hear her swear like a sailor...

Tomorrow we are going to Ikea for Lyra bedroom things, and then stopping in at my mom's to drop Lyra off for a bit while we contemplate car ownership. We've been without a car for nearly two years now, and we were doing all right with it, but the inability to go biking without depending on other people has just reached a point of making us crazy, and it's affecting our activity level. It's just sad that I've only been out riding three or four times this summer - not because I was tied up with Lyra, but because I had no way to get to the trails with my bike in the allotted time. It sucked. We're also finding that we are spending a lot on the car co-op these days - nearly as much as a car payment, to be honest - and we can barely get cars anymore without booking far in advance because there are only six near us, one of which won't hold a baby seat and three of which require transiting to (which is really hard with a single person, baby, and baby car seat, let me tell you.)

And so we are going to look at cars and see what we can figure out. The environmentalist in me is feeling guilty about it. The mountain biker in me is crazy excited to be able to get out to trails again. The road tripper/camper in me is crazy excited to go on road trips and camping. The mother in me is happy to have the option of driving to things like swimming lessons when time is short and buses are few and far between. And while it's been satisfying to not have a car, it's just not practical for us anymore. Again, this makes the environmentalist in me sad, but I'm trying to assuage the guilt by making sure that fuel efficiency is a top priority, within the limits of what our needs are. No point in getting a tiny fuel efficient car that can't carry bikes.

The environmentalist in me has settled for internally raging that Canada is designed for people with cars.

We shall see how it goes. I'm excited and nervous, and I know it's unlikely that we'll buy anything tomorrow on sight, but part of me kind of wishes that's how it'll happen. Now that I'm committed to car ownership, I'm ready to have the car RIGHT NOW. When I make up my mind about something, it's hard to be patient.

Lyra is over thirteen months old now. Her first birthday came and went so quickly, I barely had time to think about what it really meant. And then She got sick, and Adam got sick, and I got sick, and we all got better, then all got sick again. Many weeks passed with varying degrees of sickness in the house, and I was too tired or sick to really think about anything.

We're finally all better now, which is nice. It won't last, but it's nice. Daycare is full of babysick germs that apparently attack us grown-ups worse than the babies.

So Lyra turned one, and within a few weeks so many developmental changes started kicking in that I could barely keep track anymore. She started cruising around furniture with a vengeance. She began standing up unassisted from the floor - although every time she noticed she was doing so she would sit back down because she's pretty sure she can't actually do that. She started eating regular foods in earnest and with great joy - especially fruit like blueberries, bananas, and cut up grapes. Just last night she discovered that the tube-shaped wooden block fits into the hole of the donut-shaped wooden block perfectly, and apparently spent two hours just doing that over and over with a huge grin on her face.

The best part of it has probably been the emergence of preferences. Not just 'she likes food A more than food B' but actual choices. She will pull every book off the shelf until she finds the one she wants you to read her, then bring it over to you and crawl into your lap. Right now her favourite books are Oh the thinks you can think by Dr. Seuss and The Awesome Book by Dallas Clayton. She also now points at foods she specifically wants, and even sort of says Banana if that's what she's looking for. It comes out as 'ba' - which is the same word she uses for baby, ball, and book - but accompanied by energetic pointing and a certain inflection that I can't describe in words, you know which one it is she means each time.

She also made Adam watch So you think you can dance Canada last week. He was flipping through channels and flipped past it, and she got excited and pointed at the tv until he turned it back. She then sat down and watched it for a while. The girl definitely knows what she likes, and is not at all afraid to tell you in any way she can communicate it.

In addition to saying ba, she also says something that could be 'hi' - it comes out as "I!" and is usually to get your attention. It makes sense, since we say hi to her to get her attention.

Some of her new favourite games (and old ones that never get tired) are piano playing (on someone's lap or from the floor), dancing to music, pulling disks out of the ps3, knocking stacked blocks over, assisted walking (either by holding hands or by pushing her walker thing around), and flinging herself between people who catch her - it's nearly like trying to walk, but she doesn't take steps so much as throw her entire body at you and expect you to catch her. Naturally, she's either grinning or laughing the entire time.

She has favourite songs & music videos too. She loves Twinkle Twinkle little star, and Daft Punk's Around the World. She will dance and smile to anything she likes, and ignore whatever she doesn't like.

She's also enjoying daycare more every day, which is nice. The interaction with other babies has been great - she hasn't had that much time to play with other babies her own age, so I'm really happy with the amount of socialization she's getting.

Last night I dreamed she was starting to repeat words we said to her. She's not quite there yet, but I don't think it's that far off. The thought of her being able to say things to us is a little mind-blowing at times, and also very exciting. Then again, every single thing that I get to see her figure out is just amazing.

Babies are little geniuses. I wish I could learn at that rate now.

There's a lot going on this week.

On Sunday Adam's bank card didn't work at Tim Horton's for breakfast, so he called the bank. They confirmed that his card had been compromised. When they went over recent transactions and found a $400.00 withdrawal from a bank machine in Quebec, we were not impressed. We were less impressed to learn that, while the bank will refund us the money, it would not be immediate and there would be paperwork, and it would likely take a few weeks. Naturally, this is around rent cheque time, and our rent hadn't yet been removed from our account - and we were now short.

Fortunately for us I had a cheque for some photography work I had done that I hadn't yet put into my photography account. I deposited that to cover rent, and promptly started wondering how I was going to pay for Adam's birthday present next week. Still haven't figured that one out.

For the moment, we are in limbo with the bank account stuff. Adam's card doesn't work, so he needs a new one, which means going in to a branch to pick one up. This was his plan for this morning before work.

He woke up this morning feeling kind of crappy, but then he's been feeling on and off crappy since Lyra's birthday or so in early July, so I guess he didn't think much of it beyond "I feel crappy." He hopped on a bus to head down to the bank and had to get off two stops later due to extreme nausea. He walked over to our doctor's office and got in to see her pretty much immediately.

The Doctor expressed some concerns about him having lost weight, and decided that it's probably been the same thing wrong with him for the past month. She ordered a barrage of blood tests and the like, and sent him off to the lab with instructions to avoid Lyra and stay home from work until they know what he's got, in case it's something bad and contagious (Norwalk?) or something along those lines.

Off he went to the lab, which is just upstairs from the doctor's office. They took a few vials of blood, and then he passed out on the floor. He tells me that he lay there for about fifteen minutes until he felt up to walking home. Our apartment building and the lab have one small building separating them... he was in pretty rough shape.

Since then, he's been hanging out at home, mostly sleeping and feeling terrible. I left work a bit early to pick up Lyra and bring her home - normally he picks her up after work. She's doing okay - she doesn't seem to have whatever it is that he has, right now. Still, we're playing it safe and he's not spending much time with her, which really sucks for both of them.

Adam has an unknown illness that might be serious, is hopefully treatable, and may be contagious, but we can't do a thing until we know what it was. And some asshats stole our bank card information and then stole cash from out of our account the day after was due to come out. We're just lucky it hadn't yet, or it would have bounced. Or maybe it did and we just don't know it yet. I have no idea how it works with this bank, I haven't bounced a cheque in years.

My stress levels are slightly elevated. Also, I need to eat my dinner before I develop a blood sugar imbalance.

I had started at least two updates, and then rebooted the computer both times without saving. Oops. As such, this is a much-delayed update. This one is mostly about events, rather than thoughts.

Lyra turned one

My little girl had her very first birthday on the ninth of July. Adam and I picked her up from Daycare (where they had given her a birthday hat and sang her songs all day) and took her out for a lovely sushi dinner at one of the multitudes of sushi restaurants on Lonsdale Avenue. Lyra loves sushi - already a west coast girl at heart. She picks up the rolls and gnaws on the rice and whatever is inside (avocado, cucumber, yam) and takes the whole piece apart, tossing much of it on the floor in the process. Fortunately she's cute enough that the staff at the sushi restaurant think she's awesome and don't mind cleaning up her mess.

After her sushi dinner, we took her across the street to Brazza Gelato & Coffee, where we acquired gelato for her dessert. Naturally, she also loves gelato. Not really sure if it's possible for a baby to not love gelato. Or anyone, really. At any rate, it was a huge win. (As an aside, I just looked at their website. I wonder if they'd barter a new website and product/shop photography for free coffee for a year or something? Mmmm Brazza coffee...)

It was a nice little family birthday celebration, and we had a good night.

Lyra had a birthday party

Her birthday party was on the weekend at my mom's house in Pitt Meadows. We invited a bunch of friends to celebrate with us, and got cake (of course) for Lyra to mutilate. She spent a good part of the afternoon crawling around naked in the yard, playing in the baby pool, and generally enjoying herself. There really is nothing like spending your birthday in your birthday suit, and she was a model birthday girl. She wasn't very interested in opening her gifts, so I opened them for her - books and toys and clothes - all much appreciated by her parents, if not the little girl herself. There was also a Barbeque, and Adam, Lyra and I stayed the night so that my mom could babysit the little girl the next day while Adam and I went biking together. It happens rarely, so it was a great Lyra birthday present for us. She had a fantastic time playing with her Nana.

Here are the rest of the photos from her birthday party.

Adam and I went biking together

Our ride was a nice one, with Maryn and Chris. We did the lower trails in Burnaby (I made them ride the trails up and back down, which was great) and then went to Port Moody where we rode Starz. It's really been a long time since Adam & I rode bikes together (I think we managed it twice last fall) so it was a good time. Plus, I hadn't ridden with Chris in two years or something, which was just sad. All remedied.

Lyra caught a cold around the 11th, just after Adam was sick. I caught the same cold by the 14th, and was not happy. For three days I was at home with Lyra being sick, and me sick too. Trust me on this one, it's really no fun. Nine days now and I still have a really sore throat and a nasty-sounding cough. I'm hoping it moves along soon, I'm tired of this, and everyone else seems better now.

I still have thoughts I want to share about Lyra's first birthday, but this entry is far more practical than that, and already long enough. Worry not, I will fill you in shortly.

Today Lyra turned one. I will do a full update on my thoughts and feelings about this in the next little while, but for now I just want to say that I think she had a great day. She had fun times at Daycare, Adam and I took her out for sushi and gelato, where she got very, very messy. I got her a couple of books about a giraffe named Saffy. She loves giraffes. I love Saffy.

The full party with the extended family and friends is on the weekend. Good times for all. And there will be cake. I've seen it, it's not a lie.

Tomorrow morning I pack up Lyra first thing in the morning and walk her to daycare before heading on to work. I am of mixed emotions about this, as I am sure many others have been before me. There are a lot of random thoughts cascading around in my head tonight. I worry that Lyra's not going to get enough to eat at daycare - she's not all that into food, most of the time. I worry that I'm going to spend my entire lunch pumping milk without having a chance to take a break and eat. I worry that I won't fit into the new format and team that they've developed at my office in the year I've been gone. I worry that my daily two hours of commuting time is going to make me crazy. I worry that I'm going to be exhausted, that getting up extra early and getting out the door is going to be incredibly hard, that I'm not going to get enough sleep to be all that functional, that I'm going to spend too much money on expensive coffee because I don't really like the cheap stuff.

All this worrying is not really something I do much, so it's making me kind of moody. I'm already exhausted and I haven't even gone back yet. We can't afford for me to not go back, and to be fair I really do enjoy my workplace. I should be excited. Instead I'm just kind of worried. I can accept that, tomorrow I'll be at work either way.

Today we went to a mountain bike trail building day on Fromme, which got me thinking more about my relationship with riding these days.

Lately I've also been trying to get back into biking. What I've figured out is my lack of fundamental skill and learning is a problem lately. I'm afraid of momentum, I'm afraid to go too fast or feel like my bike is leaving me behind, which sometimes you have to do to get past obstacles. I'm nervous about riding in general, so I hesitate rather than make plans to get out on my bike - and end up not going at all. I've been out riding twice I think in the past few months, because I don't make plans to get out. I don't really want to ride the trails that are close to me, they're all at a level that I'm not comfortable with, and rather than going out to practice on them and try to develop skills I just feel like crap because I can't ride anything. I get filled with panic and freeze up. It's not fun, and saying I should just keep riding till I get over it doesn't help. I know, I've tried telling myself that.

Plus with Lyra I'm more worried about hurting myself badly. This is a sport where you expect that you will fall, because you aren't always going to ride perfectly, you can't predict changes in the trail, and things can happen that are entirely out of your control. It's part of what makes riding fun.

At least I feel a bit like I've figured out that problem - I need to go back to the basics, to learn beginner skills that I've never really had, and to ride trails that aren't full of technical features that freak me out. I need to pretend like I've never ridden before and start from scratch. I need to ride places that aren't on the North Shore. I really need to get out and actually ride, but I know now that means I have to go out and do trails that no one else feels like doing because they're too easy. I'm not talking Floppy Bunny easy either... I'm not there yet. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. I'm just barely able to deal with riding the Richard Juryn trail, and I still walk stupid little things on that because I panic. I think I need to do some XC.

So maybe with going back to work I'll feel more comfortable spending the money to take out a co-op car and go riding from time to time. I miss the times when I really enjoyed riding. I'm not really interested in going to Whistler, or trying to push my limits by riding on the North Shore. I want to start slow and easy. And I don't feel like joining another club. I barely make it to the rides the club I'm already in does. I guess I should really start there with the weekly XC rides, and see what I can figure out beyond that.

I guess there's a lot on my mind tonight. Hopefully I will sleep just fine - I'm certainly tired enough.

and I like to do what I'm told.

When you see this, take a minute and share five good things of your day with the world, uncut.

1. Lyra is no longer feverish or sick, and has returned to her usual cheerful self.
2. It's been raining for a couple of days, which makes the air smell good and makes me feel happy.
3. Adam is in the bedroom lying down with Lyra who is fussy and refusing to sleep alone, which means I am currently free to sit at my computer unfettered. Sweet, sweet freedom.
4. I'm about to make a cup of tea, which will fill me with contentment.
5. I had coffee and donuts with a friend this morning, which was just awesome.

You may now share your 5 good things with me, if you are so inclined.

... because I'm never self-analytical. Nor am I sarcastic.

As I walked home from dropping off the co-op minivan this morning, baby seat slung over my shoulder, I thought about some of the things that I do and things that I have. Last night, for example, I went out with the MuddBunnies to photograph riders working on various stunts. I've been working on a couple of websites lately, building or managing content or figuring out problems for people. I'm re-visiting my NaNoWriMo novel from a couple of years back, thinking I should really get on the whole 'editing' thing, much as I loathe editing - I'm pretty sure it was a good story, worth following up.

Last week I did a bit of tootling around in the woods on my bike with the aforementioned MuddBunnies. I'm kind of hoping when Adam gets his recording studio all set up again I'll be able to convince him to help me record a few songs for Lyra (a personalized children's album, if you will.) In just over a week, I'm heading back to work at the The David Suzuki Foundation after my year off with Lyra - a job which I was incredibly proud to get, where I feel like I belong and am actually really happy to go to work most of the time. I love to write, and I think much of the time I'm pretty good at it - even if I'm not, it makes me happy. When I want some relatively mindless entertainment, I can happily play video games and geek out on the internets.

At home I have an awesome relationship with my husband, even with the weirdness that comes when you first have a baby together. If anything, we're a stronger unit than we've ever been, I think. I have a fantastic, good-natured, happy, smart, funny, beautiful little girl whom I adore, and who lights up every time she sees me. I am probably among the best-rested parents I know, to the point that sometimes I'm afraid to mention it in casual conversation - I've been getting enough sleep since Lyra was probably three or four months old, and before that I only hit the exhaustion wall very occasionally. I've taken to motherhood well; in fact, I've never really felt more balanced in who I am than I do now.

North Vancouver is a fantastic city to live in, and I love being so close to the mountains. I can get out on a trail on very short notice, and I try to take advantage of that fact whenever possible. If the situation changed and we decided to move somewhere, I'm comfortable with the concept that I could easily re-integrate into a new place; especially if we were staying in BC, since I'm now utterly addicted to mountains.

I know that I have a lot on my plate at any given moment, but since before this I would go bonkers with boredom if I had nothing to do, I think I might be in a perfect place. I have enough to do to keep me busy most of the time, enough downtime that I don't get overwhelmed most of the time, and at this moment I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel like I've got it together for now, and it is an awesome feeling.

It's bound to change sometime, but for now I am not going to worry about it.

The thought occurred to me as I walked home this morning that if I met myself, I would be utterly, hopelessly intimidated, to the point that I would be terrified of talking to me. I would probably avoid talking to this girl who does a million different things and has it all so together, feeling like I was somehow inadequate next to her; that she would never be interested in talking to me. I feel that way about most people I know who aren't me; the ones who aren't quite friends, but who I see or talk to reasonably often. They intimidate me.

Realizing this makes me stop and wonder why I'm so nervous about talking to people. It's a main component of my anxiety - talking to people who I either don't know, or don't know well, because I think I'm somehow not worthy. How ridiculous is that? I'm no more or less worthy of talking to / hanging out with someone than any other human being. Who am I to judge whether or not I'm of a certain worthiness to be allowed to talk to someone? Such hang-ups we acquire when we're young... I think my next personal goal shall be to work through that fallacy in my brain.

Because really, I'm tired of being more afraid of you than you are of me. It's really time for me to just quit being afraid at all.

We went camping last weekend in Tofino, BC, on the far west coast of Vancouver Island. It's almost as far west in BC as you can get. This was Lyra's first camping trip, and she loved it. We were in a tent, and it was chilly, but the bedsharing definitely worked in our favour for it. Lyra was cozy in my sleeping bag with me. She very much enjoyed the beach and watching the waves and stuff. You can check out all the photos I posted from the trip on Flickr, ( but here are a few photos I particularly liked: )

Today I took a couple of videos of Lyra playing around in the living room, showing off some of her new tricks: pulling herself up on tables, and standing around.

I watch my daughter sleeping, just like all the clichés say you will. I can't help it - I'm still so enamoured with her that I can't imagine ever being tired of looking at her. Every time I watch her sleep I marvel over how much bigger she is than she used to be - and every time, she's grown. I don't really remember what it was like when she was smaller. It's hard to believe sometimes that this little girl has ever been any size other than what she is now, and then I look at her again and she's so much bigger than I expect her to be.

Someone asked me the other day if I feel as though I've changed with motherhood. I don't feel like I've changed. I feel a bit like I've grown into myself, like I'm somehow more myself than I used to be, and that feels good to me. I'm still who I was, just more focussed, and more complete. Was I incomplete before? I can't remember, but that's partly because I can't imagine life without Lyra in it anymore.

It's amazing to me how absolutely in love with this little girl I really am. Sometimes when I look at her face I can see the child she's going to be - like I can see shadows of who she'll grow into overlaid on her sweet little face. I can see them especially when she's sleeping, or when she's figuring things out, all lost in thought and serious.

I think about the issues everyone I know has with their parents, and like everyone else, I'm sure, hope desperately that the issues we will have someday won't be too painful. I try not to fool myself into thinking they won't exist... I'm pretty sure even the best mother/daughter relationships have their own quirks and problems. They will exist. I will work to try and keep them to a reasonably sane level. We'll see how that goes.

Occasionally I get hit with a wave of irrational or semi-rational fear, like when I'm driving somewhere and imagine suddenly a car coming from nowhere and smashing into me, or having to avoid something and driving off the road, or walking across the street at the wrong time even and getting run down (apparently I have an irrational fear of cars.) It's practically debilitating for a split second while my brain runs through scenarios of me being killed and not being around to take care of Lyra, or see her grow up; and scenarios where I lose her somehow. The thoughts are physically painful to me, for just a moment or two until I get a better grasp on my subconscious and beat it into submission.

Am I a good mother? The perfectionist in me likes to ramble in my head about what I should be doing that I'm not, and what I should be doing better. That part of me compares myself to other moms, and Lyra to other babies. The realist in me knows that I can't attain perfection, that I often hold myself up to unrealistic standards that I would never impose on any other human being. I'm not a bad mother. I'm willing to admit, on some days, that I might even be a good mother. I'm being myself, and being a mom... and it's actually a lot of fun.

And no, I am not looking for reassurances from people that I'm doing fine. I know I am - Lyra is happy and healthy and awesome, and that's the best indicator I've got.

The trip to Ontario ended over a week ago, but I haven't given you an update yet. I shall now provide you with said update, alongside a few photos I took while in Toronto and New Liskeard.

To begin with, here is a link to all of the photos on my Flickr page.

The flight went quite well. We were up at 40,000 feet for much of the trip to Toronto, and while Adam had a lot of trouble with his ears, Lyra was perfectly happy. She spent much of the trip crawling between Adam's & my laps, and looking around all the weird new stuff. She napped in my lap for part of it as well, and the take-off and landing didn't bother her at all. Adam's ears didn't pop for a week.

Adam's mother & Aunt met us at the airport in Toronto, and there was much fussing over Lyra. We went to Adam's grandmother's home and there was more fussing over Lyra. She loved how much space there was in the living room there, and crawled around for hours. Bedtime was late (Toronto time) but about right in Vancouver terms.



Our first full day in Toronto was mother's day, so after Lyra's morning nap (which she took on the floor) we headed to Adam's Aunt's house to have a huge brunch with a bunch of his family members. There was much fussing over Lyra. At one point, she got put into a broken umbrella stroller which threatened to collapse at any moment so that Adam's grandmother could take her for a walk down the street. We deemed the stroller unfit, named it the crushing stroller, and rescued Lyra from its clutches, only to have another stroller acquired for the purpose of taking her for a walk down the street. It was all incredibly amusing somehow. We rounded out the evening with a Mother's Day dinner at Spring Rolls on Eglinton at Yonge. It was tasty.

The next day was Monday, and we headed in to Toronto proper to visit High Park. We had warned friends in advance that our Toronto visitation times were limited, and they would have to meet us there if they wanted to see us. Fortunately, a bunch of people were able to join us at the High Park zoo & playground. It was a nice afternoon outside.




(photo by Brian Tao, who borrowed my camera to take a few shots)

The next morning we took the long drive to New Liskeard. We took our time, stopping whenever Lyra needed a break from the confines of her car seat, and it ended up only taking us a half hour or so longer than usual to do the drive (about six hours or so, I guess.) It was a lovely, sunny day, and Lyra was once again a superstar considering she was confined to a harness for most of the time.

Our visit to New Liskeard has become a mess of randomness in my brain. I have no clue what we did on what days, but I know that we stopped in to see Paul & Jenn at Chat Noir Books (where they make a fine cup of coffee,) and we spent a lot of time with Adam's mom & dad, handing one of them Lyra at every opportunity. Also, we got poutine at least twice. There's nothing like poutine close to the Quebec border.

We did go to North Bay for a day, as a nice excursion. We spent an hour or so hanging out in a park by the lake, and Lyra crawled around in the grass with her Grandmother (Bubby-T.)



She also went to check out the beach with her Daddy.



Beaches make baby Lyras ROAR:



Grass and sunlight make baby Lyras turn into anime characters:



We also went to at least two Barbeque parties - it was the May 2-4 weekend, after all - and Lyra got to meet a couple of other babies and have social engagements with them:



Nearing the end of our time up in New Liskeard, we took a drive down to Temagami. Adam and his dad decided to take the boat (newly put back in the water after the winter) from the Marina down to where it gets parked at Loon Lodge on Lake Temagami. They needed someone to pick them up at Loon Lodge, so Lyra and I took the Murano from the town of Temagami down the access road to the lake. When we arrived, we were informed that Adam & David had had to turn back due to excessive winds - if they had pressed on, it would have taken them another two hours to reach me. Lyra and I walked back up the trail to the Murano (sweet car to drive down Temagami access road!) and drove the half hour trip back to the Town so we could pick up the boys.

It was actually more fun than perhaps it seems it would be. Adam was pleased to get out on the lake in a boat, I was pleased to spend at least a bit of time at Loon Lodge (although no loon burgers were acquired... and no, they're not made of loons...) and the drive was really quite nice. I didn't see any m00se, however.

We also took a trip out to the Elk Lake Eco Centre for lunch on one of our last days there. It snowed that day. The lodge was quite nice, however, even with the snow.



I'd have to say that the trip was a success. Lyra was a Rock Star the whole time - she traveled well on the plane, she traveled well in the car, and she was so good the whole time. We have an awesomely mellow and happy baby, and we are lucky to have her.

The only really negative things I have to say about the trip are that Adam caught a nasty cold which he promptly gave to me, and we were both miserable for a good part of the trip due to a sore throat/cough type thing; and that next time I really want to spend more time in Toronto, seeing Toronto sites that we haven't visited in a while, like the ROM and the AGO and most especially Canada's Wonderland.

Good times!

We have returned. Adam is sleeping because he's utterly exhausted. Lyra is playing on the floor with her ugly dolls. I did some tidying and am now having a cup of tea; I will do more tidying soon. I may also vacuum.

I will write a proper update when my brain is working properly again. Right now I'm very, very tired and just want to get this place looking a bit cleaner, find something for lunch, and let Adam sleep as long as humanly possible so he stops freaking out about things and has a chance to catch up.

Please, please, please tell me if anything has happened that you'd like me to know about in your life. I have barely been online in almost two weeks.

Nine years ago I mentioned to cyn that I wanted to try online journalling. On May the 4th 2000, I started up this livejournal for kicks, to see what might come of it. Here I am 9 years later, still updating, although a lot has changed since then - the frequency of my updates, the city I'm updating from, my marital status, and most recently, the addition of Lyra to the story. Some things haven't changed - I still get bored sometimes, I still have Dayle & Sera, the kitties who have followed me across the country, and my tendency to write long-winded entries about random subjects that matter to me.

It's hard to believe I've been writing online for nine years. The internets have changed so much since then.

Then again, so have I. If you want to see how much, you could be ambitious and start from the very beginning...